Monday, June 25, 2012

When your knees are the only place you have left

I try as I may, I try as I might;
regardless of trying I stay out of sight.

It doesn't matter what I do, or how I do it--- things never go my way.
I guess that's natural though, it's not supposed to go my way, it is supposed to go God's way right?

I just wish I had more direction. I pray for direction, but I must not be praying the right way because all I feel like I'm doing is running around chasing my own tail.

I've hit a roadblock with the job search. I have actually run out of places to apply. Does that happen? I didn't think it could, but as far as hiring locations... I'm out.

I have an interview on the internet Wednesday with a legitimate work from home company. Those are pretty hard to come by, but I'm also realistic. I know that even if I were to be accepted I would have to hook up a phone to my house, and then in the near future find funding for a new computer. I'm praying about it.

I need something. Horribly. I can't afford my son's medicine and my car hasn't been paid in 3 months. My ex hasn't paid me child support in that long and I use the support to pay those two major things. YES child support is for the child, but I use every dime that I make at my little part time job and anything on the side for my son. It goes to the same pool, so don't sit there and judge me.

It seems like something is in the works because I sure haven't received anything outside of the home by way of work. I've had two etsy orders this week, and I've only have 3 the entire few years I've had my store open. That was exciting and I'm grateful, but at the same time... it's nothing to count on. Christmas is right around the corner and as of right now if things don't change my child will not have one.

I know it seems early to stress over such things, but I usually buy starting in August or so and that is WITH employment.

Ugh... then there's the whole issue of my trying to do more things on the internet. I don't mean work... just things in general. I'm trying to branch out socially and make my own little internet world. I'm trying to reconnect with lost friends, forge new ones and get to know people that I otherwise would not. There's always a hiccup though. People say one thing and do another, they flake out and they let you down. It's no different from "real life". They are the same unreliable people over the internet as they face to face with you. It's no different from my attempts to plan events (like the ren faire disaster that I haven't spoken of yet!) for the folks I know here. It's pointless. I think I am meant to sit here in this house, in this same seat and stare at the pictures on the wall. My only conversations are those where I'm answering my child's constant questions (curiosity is good.. an inability to answer some questions on your own-- not so much). I think I'm destined to be lonely. Maybe it's because that lonely, emptiness is where I seek Him the most-- perhaps it's from that loneliness that I do things like this blog. I don't know what it is, but it feels like for now this is what I'm meant to do. I'm supposed to border on depressed because when I'm on my knees I have nowhere to go but up.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Such a trivial thing for so many emotions...

So I've recently found out that our lovely class of 2002 will be holding a 10 year reunion.

Let me first say that while we were at the very beginning of the internet generation (MOST of us didn't have personal computers until late high school or college (if you're me) so even though we haven't been raised on facebook; we definitely know our way around it and use it on a daily basis.

With that said, I honestly sort of assumed that we'd skip the whole reunion thing. We half-assed our 5 year and didn't do it until it was technically a 6 year so I figured the same would go for 10. Add in the fact that everyone is on facebook and I didn't see a huge need for one.

I don't have a ton of facebook friends that I went to high school with, or at least graduated with. I have quite a few, but I'm not the one who has gone around manically adding everyone I have ever known in my entire life. If they add me, I'll add them. I don't do the whole facebook first wave though. Seeing as though I don't have a ton of them on my facebook, it's probably no surprise that I didn't find out when everyone else did--- but it is for me. I have quite a few people who I've kept in semi constant contact with on there and they knew about it. I guess they just didn't check to see if I was invited right? Probably. My self esteem tells me it's that I wasn't a priority. Silly self image; always making me look bad.

Anyway. I found out from the most random person on the planet and from there asked one of my "friends" about it who immediately invited me into the exclusive, private event (insert sarcasm). I was getting ready to hit my join button when I saw the message about sending a check.

If you ever want to get a broke girl's attention faster than you can say Here's some money... it's insert any word that pertains to money; primarily to paying out money. So I read through it and it has some mumbo jumbo about sending a check made out for $20 per person (so that means your lovely date that you pay to go with you so you look good also has to pay $20). WHOA NELLY. I'm broke dog, that's not cool. Okay... I understand that it costs money to hold one of these things, but here's the thing.

This is a casual event (one is left to assume so anyway.. seeing as though this is the south and we never do anything fancy.. hell, we get married in flip flops)and I know that our class account should have SOME money in it because we took donations at our drinkfest ala 6 year reunion. That's not it though.

What in the WORLD could I possibly eat that would cost me $20. I feed my family of (sometimes up to) 6 on $20.

Either way... I have a week to come up with $20 ($40 if I find me a model friend to pay to go with me) and at this very moment I don't even know where my son's medicine funding will come from.

Aside from the money issue, there's the issue of going alone as the loser I am. What do I tell them I do? I've had some really great jobs and if this had been a year ago I would have had no problem proudly boasting that I worked my way from a seasonal employee to store manager in a year. I would have told them about my staff retention rates and how much I loved playing with jewelry and telling people what to do all the time.

What do I tell them now? Oh.. I quit my job last year to home school my son who has ADHD, Asperger's OCD and borderlines on Bi-Polar...tell them that I live with my mom and brother just like I did 10 years ago and that we sometimes don't have enough money to eat with? Maybe I should tell them that I have one of those kids that you can't really take anywhere because people stare and place judgments just because he's not like everyone else. Tell them that I've lost one car and I'm about to lose another one because my ex husband hasn't paid me child support in 3 months because he's having a baby with his new wife and my son isn't his priority? Or.. wait! Maybe I should tell them that I'm 200 pounds overweight because I eat my emotions! I've got it... I'll tell them that I own my own business doing handcrafted goods, photography and design and that I'd love to give them a business card but I simply can't afford them.

Alas-- I hate that I even care what people think, but I do. I looked through the confirmed list and every person on that list (give or take one.. and I'm pretty sure she has her doctorate degree and has a snazzy life, so even if she's miserable.. she's rich) has someone that they will be taking with them. I don't. My guy doesn't do events. He doesn't do a whole lot of things.

I realize that my hostility towards an innocent little class reunion really is misguided and should be placed in front of a mirror so that it can attack back at me--but it's much harder to point a finger at yourself.

...In reflection, how I want to be seen and how I will be seen are completely different. I'd have no problem going there unemployed if I were a halfway decent person. If I could say that on a daily basis I change lives and I make a difference, or that I'm financially sound because I'm webfamous or something... but that's not the case. I'm still just a lost little girl.. It's just that this time, 10 years later, I'm a lost little girl with scars and broken down baggage.

I'm not going to fill myself up with lies either. They have facebook and even though we have a south Georgia education, most of them can read. They can see for themselves what I've been up to over the past 10 years... at least the parts that I wanted them to see.

In the past 10 years I have been picked up and thrown down. I've been married, almost divorced, in relationships, divorced, gainfully employed, not so gainfully employed, unemployed. I've lived on my own, I have lived with a man, I have lived with my mom. I've lived in Florida, Texas, and Georgia. I took my first plane ride and my first cross country road trip. I've had a baby. I've watched that baby go to school. I've seen things, heard things and said things that I can never take back or unhear. I've loved the Lord and loathed the Lord.. I've scraped my knee and I've had my heart shattered into a million pieces. I've cried myself to sleep.

I've done it all in private though. Nobody needs to know what I've been through unless they care enough to ask me. I don't keep it a secret, if I did I wouldn't be screaming it on a page that can be accessed from any home computer or cell phone. If folks cared enough about what I've been up to for the past 10 years they would have asked. They would have kept up with it. That's just it though. I know that I will go to this thing (if I go) and the same groups will rally together. They will pretend like time hasn't passed. They will judge and be judged. 10 years isn't that long when you put people together who knew each other then... but I dare you to compare stories. We've all walked a lifetime's journey.. some of us more painful than others. We've lost some amazing classmates and we've all had our share of pain, rejection and self loathing.

I don't know yet what I'll do. I would like to go, even if I'm the only person there going solo. I want to go and hold my head high and know that I can stand in the raging waters of my own making. I have made the decisions thus far in my life and if I can't grow up and own them then somewhere along the line I made a decision in jest.

I won't go hungry just to go to this thing, so if I come up with the money before next week I will turn in my check and do the thing. I'll come up with some sort of killer outfit out of my closet and I'll post an OOTN and we'll pretend like I don't have all these feelings over something so trivial. I'll eat my $20 worth of food, I'll take pictures and I'll put on a good show.

Then I'll come home and write about it.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Self esteem and job hunts don't mix.

If you ever want to feel great about yourself.. DONT job hunt.


My self esteem has taken the worst hit ever lately as I find myself passed over and ignored in my quest for gainful employment.

I really don't get it to be completely honest with you. I'm not the world's greatest find, but I've had some really decent jobs and I'm not exactly entry level so you'd think getting a job as a cashier wouldn't be such a task.

Alas, I'm having a hard time.

I know it's not about my timing and my perfect job and that something will come along... but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it is starting to take it's toll.

I did finally get an email from the job I was aiming for. It's been a few days shy of a month since my interview and I was told I'd hear from them within a week or so. They filled the position. I am assuming for less money than I asked for; but you know what? I'm not going to take minimum wage when A) It's a skilled job (graphic design) and B) I know that I am worth more than that and haven't made that for years.

It's not that I'm looking for excellent jobs either... but here's the thing. I have to consider when I'll be working, how much money I will be making and how much childcare I will have to pay for. It is not beneficial to take a job making 8/hour if I will have to pay a sitter the same amount to be at home with my son. People don't understand that part when they tell me to just go get a job at Burger King. It's not just a matter of getting the first thing you can find, it's about getting something that is worth going to work... otherwise you're working to pay someone else.

I guess I should go back to filling out 2 hour long applications now (that's another rant for another night)....

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Parenting is quite stressful.

The world sure loves to work against you doesn't it? If it's not one thing it's another. If it's not raining, it's pouring (the old man is snoring).

Either way, I've become pretty accustomed to life taking a big ole poop on me. I know it's just my trials and a test of my endurance, but it sure is exhausting. My credit hates these tests. My anxiety hates these tests. Everything hates them. I understand they are necessary and they only mean that my next life will be that much more rewarding-- but sometimes I wonder what it's like to just sit back and enjoy life.

What does free of care feel like? I wonder if I'll ever feel it, if even for a moment.

My child is stressed and it stresses me. I fear that he's going to struggle with depression as he gets older. The doctors have warned me that it could happen and even now he shows the signs. He got really upset last night out of nowhere (for him it came from somewhere, I assume his own thoughts) and said that he just wished he could be dead. That really hit me hard. I know that he's 7 going on 30 and he's bound to say things like that, but I don't ever want him to feel that kind of hurt. I feel that kind of hurt so he doesn't have to right? It's the Christ concept. HE died for my sins so I don't have to-- therefore mommy should be able to sacrifice so that son doesn't hurt... but I'll be damned if he doesn't hurt anyway.

He gets upset that he's small, he gets upset that nobody likes him (he had one hard hitting year in kindergarten and even though he home schooled this year, he still feels the effects of bullying). He gets upset that his daddy never sees him and doesn't love him (his words.. I try to convince otherwise but it's hard when he isn't there for him). He gets upset that when he does go to see his father, his step sisters have more privileges than him and that they are older than him. It's hard to explain to a bull-headed Aspie that you can't change age and that it's okay to be younger. He wants to be grown and that's all he knows. His determination will be great later in life if I can get him to focus it on the good goals, but for now he just wants to figure out how to cheat the age system and do everything that mommy does.

I love this little underweight life to bits. I hate when he hurts. I hate when he "hates" me. I hate when he's sad. I hate when he's anything but overjoyed. I know I can't protect him forever but I just wonder if there's something I could have done different to reverse some of this.

You think it's hard when your baby cries or is uncomfortable and you don't know if you need to change a diaper or pop out a boob--- it's absolutely GUT-WRENCHING for your "baby" to say that he's a loser because nobody likes 7.. when you still keep yourself in denial that he's too young to care.. and you know you do everything you can for him. It's the worst thing in the world to hear come out of a teary-eyed little angel face.

I really blame myself for the conditions he has to live with. It's hard enough that people frown on it, and say that it's a cop out. It's hard without the support of people who say "Hey.. you know what? I see that he's doing ___ because of ___ so let's just deal with it the best we can". Instead I just get folks who want to tell me how if I just did __ different he'd "behave".

I build him up constantly. Every little lego creation he builds and tells me about is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. He's the smartest, most creative (honestly it's the truth though!) guy I've ever seen. He's wonderful. He's everything.... unfortunately not everyone is willing or capable of doing the same. I know that I have no choice to, and all parents want to do is support their child. With me though? If I miss a great!.. or if I don't reply in a way he's used to-- he recognizing it and immediately blames himself. While I do it on occasion to remind him that not everyone will think the same as I do, it's something that he needs for growth.

I also wonder if I'll ever meet someone who can accept him for who he is. I worry about that in his adult life, but how about our life now? He interrupts without realizing, he's focused and will continue saying what he needs to say until it's out-- conversation be damned. He wants to show off his lego creations..... all 102 of them. He wants you to care and he wants to know that you hear him. He wants an okay when he tells you something. He wants to know what you're doing and why you're doing it. All he wants is the same respect you expect of him.

It's not that hard of a concept. You want your child to tell you where he's going and what he's doing. He wants the same. You want your child to listen when you speak and acknowledge that you spoke. He wants the same.

How can you really expect respect if you can't give it? Sure.. he needs more attention than a lot of kids his age. You have to watch him closer and be more aware of his thoughts and actions--- but he also plays by himself a lot; happily.

Man he's a good kid, and I don't really give a crap what society says about him. I will do what I have to do, kick who I have to kick and climb whatever mountains I have to climb to keep him happy and healthy.

These guys really should come with a manual.. alas-- I don't have anyone holding my hand and telling me what to do. My mom knows less about dealing with him than I do. I'm on my own here. It's me and my man against the entire world.

I'll take the challenge though... if we can just get through this rainstorm we're in. If I can get somewhere that we are both balanced and happy it's going to be dangerous because we're going to be unstoppable.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Dream without action

I say that I want to change the world, that I want to be the light in someone's life and then I beat myself up because I never seem to do that. I just sit here, idle. I walk in mental circles over my moral standing and what I should to do "start" doing good. I'm not sure that is even something to mull over-- you either do good, or you don't. The temptation to do the wrong thing is always there, laughing and taunting you, but overall being good is just a way to be right?

I come up with a million things I want to and need to do, yet I find the action part of plan execution just goes horribly wrong. How does the saying go? A dream without action is just a wish?

Well, that's not good for me. I don't want it to be just a wish. I want my dreams to come true. I've got so many of them afterall, and I'm not getting any younger either.

I want to live in an RV
I want to travel the world and meet new people and actually feel COMFORTABLE thrown into a mix of culture
I want to see my kid be successful, in whatever way that may be
I want to make movies, and I want to be recognized for my art-- whatever that is
I want to live off of my own making and have a bunker off of the grid
I want to be a city slicker, and mingle over martinis---

but most of all, I want to change a life.

So with that said.. I came across something today on pinterest that struck a chord. Everything on pinterest strikes a chord really. I mean, all of these e-cards are quite possibly the most hysterical thing I've ever read in my entire life and they offer me mounds of entertainment; but this thing that I found struck a chord with my thought process at that moment.

I did link from the original URL. I know that typically that is bad mojo-- but I did want it to eventually trace back to the artist who rightfully made it.

So there you have it. It's simple and it's basic.. but it speaks to me right now. I don't HAVE to run mental circles over how to start; I just need to BE.

Just BE a good person. BE there for people. BE myself. BE creative. BE someone.

I still don't really know who that someone is, even at nearly 30 years old. I guess one day when I grow up I'll figure it out.. but until that day comes, I will continue to find inspiration and seek greatness ;)

Monday, June 11, 2012

The truth about fat

The love affair with food started from birth I believe. I was raised southern to the core, and my beautiful wonderful grandmother who isn't with us anymore-- cooked like a goddess. We'd have full spread meals twice a day, and they never skimped on the buttery, deep fried fixins.

I haven't eaten like that since she left us-- but it sticks with you. Even as an adult, I think I've managed to find solace in food. I don't think that I stress eat, since usually if I'm completely stressed out I will not eat at all... but I think that I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when something looks delicious even if I'm full up to my neck with an earlier meal I overstuffed myself with.

I can't stop. I guess that's why they have things like Over-eaters Anonymous. Thing is, this is the south. We don't have that... we have potlucks and Sunday dinner; and don't dream of going to either without cleaning your plate before you leave.

I don't even think I struggle with food, it's just that much a part of me. I love food. I love the flavor of food. I love the art of inventing recipes. I love eating. I love smelling food. I love food. I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I eat.

It's not the eating that's hurting me. I don't eat "that" bad to begin with. I can cut out some sugar, and I can find a way to get in some more fruit... but I love veggies and I eat very small servings of meat if I'm at home. It's the lack of exercise.

Ooooh how I LOATHE exercise. Growing up I was a dancer. My self image was a wreck so I actually thought I was huge, when in fact I probably had about 0% body fat until high school. My image hurt me I think. I'd bargain that at that point, it was the first time I ate food because food didn't judge me. Being a dancer though, I was active. I could move around.. and even as I became a "bigger" (because I still wasn't truly fat) adult I could do my splits and move around like I could years before.

Then life happened.. and here I sit. A honest to goodness fat person who is too lazy to get up an exercise. That's what the world sees anyway... but here's the truth.

I'm too fat to move. It hurts. My back hurts, my knees hurt, my heart hurts. When I try to run I feel like I'm going to die-- before I even get out of my yard. If I do squats, my knees pop in and out of the socket, leaving me in excruciating pain for days and days. The fat has now taken over my life.

...and it's fucking terrifying.

I don't WANT to be that way. I want to be that girl, who even if she's a little heavier than most people, goes to the gym or works out regularly. I want to be the girl who can go to a restaurant without being a side show because everyone can't wait to see what the fat chick eats.

I want to be healthy.
I want to live.
I really don't want to die from this... and as it goes, I'll be dead tomorrow if I can't find a way to do something.

It's like the inside of me is screaming at the outside. The inside is a healthy, do-gooder who changes the world while jogging and eating a fruit salad. The outside? Well... she's on the couch, eating a candy bar while watching shows about fat acceptance.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Flawed Soul

I'm not sure why sleep escapes me. We can clearly state that my mind never stops-- but that is normal. That's my life story. At any one moment I am pondering the existance of wool on sheep, the proper way to sew elastic, why fake eyelashes are too long for people with glasses, God and his role in life, why my kid sweats so much in his sleep and "dang, I'm hungry". It just never stops. There's always an idea, something I want to do... a dream or a short term goal; none of which I follow through to completion.

I'm a quitter.

It's not that I want to be a quitter, it's just that I never really find a way to finish what I start. I run a half assed photography business that really should be busier than it is. While I'm not the world's finest photographer and I have sub par equipment; my photography isn't bad. There's no reason I shouldn't have at least a session a month... but case in point, I run it half assed. I don't advertise like I should and because of it I sell myself short.

Not sold? Okay.. well.. homeschooling. I homeschooled my son this year, but we did a very unschooled type of method. I put a ton of money into creating the "perfect" school in our home only to not touch 96% of the stuff. We ended up just having lengthy conversations, extensive google searches, youtube marathons and a whole lotta discovery channel. I would say I failed, but he tested on grade level so we did alright... but.. true to form, it was half-assed.

Crafting. I have the ability to make quite a bit of stuff. I have the time to make quite a bit of stuff. I could have the world's most stocked etsy store if I actually tried. Do I?

Hmph... you be the judge.

I really am not the person I put myself out there to be. I try to be strong and brave, but really I'm just a little girl trapped in an almost 30-something body. I found myself unready for everything I have ever been thrown, yet somehow I manage to glamorize my way through it.

Marriage? Ha.. what a joke.
School? Been there done that.. 6 times. Do I have a degree? Nope. Do I have a crapload of loans? Yooou betcha.
Parenting? LOL. I've raised a spoiled little guy who just so happens to be the light of my life. I do my best to reverse anything he learned out of my sheer laziness to actually parent.. but who knows what will come of it.

Is everyone this insecure? You know what I wonder? I wonder if that lady hauling the 3 kids down the frozen food section of walmart checking everything off of her leather bound planner thinks she has it all together... or does she feel just as lost as I do. People that I meet and bond with- we bond over one thing or another, but never on a soul bonding kind of level.

Nobody REALLY knows me. REALLY. My mom knows that I never complete things. My kid knows that if he tells me he wants a drink when I'm doing something, by the time I'm done I will have forgotten so he may as well get it himself (he's 7, he's old enough to.. geez). My grandpa knows I have managed to screw up my life. My brother knows that I'm a running joke. My high school friends know that I'm the same person I used to be (wrong!). My internet friends know me through status messages. My gaming friends know the girl I was 6 years ago. My boyfriend knows everything I manage to do wrong and nothing I do right. My Church knows me E's mom... the one who always had to calm him down mid throwdown.

Who really knows me... nobody. Nobody here anyway. God knows my heart. He knows I'm a hopeless romantic somewhere down in there even though I've forgotten. I *really* hope that he knows that I desperately want to do good, yet always manage to fall short.

I really want to be a good person. I want to help people. I want to make a difference... but I also want people to know me for that. That's the problem I think. Until I do those things without a buried desire for acknowledgement... I'll never "really" be a good person.

I care about people. I empathize, probably more than the average person. My sentence structure sucks and I only wash my hair 1-2 times a week.

When people talk about me, my feelings get hurt.
When people love me, I smile.
I've got a gypsy spirit... I just want color and texture and a flirty, lyrical flow in everything that I do.
When I feel like my flawed character is in any way called out for what it is, I flip out. I scream, I yell-- I lash back.
Then I regret it... because that's not who I want to be. I say it's not who I am, but lets be honest... if it wasn't who I was, I wouldn't do it.

I just want to live, I want to make others smile and I want my child to walk in the ways of a good person. I want God at the head of our house. I want to change the world. I want to make things pretty and I want to sing like Christina Perri. I want a body like Beyonce, the heart of a saint and the swagger of the Biebs.

I'm not really asking all that much am I?

Saturday, June 9, 2012

All that and a lot of fat

I'm so fat. It's ridiculous.

My mom doesn't understand why I get stared at so much when we're out in public. We used to blame it on my bright pink hair or the crazy outfits that I wore... but lately I've looked miserably normal. Normal hair, normal clothes.. still they stare.

I know why they stare.

No. Not the outfit... it was legit in that situation. Not the pissed off look either. The fat.

I did well with weight loss for about a month or two in the beginning of the year.. but my buddy quit on me and I just didn't have the motivation to force myself to do it alone.

Breathing is hard. Walking is hard. Everything is hard...and I don't want to die. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being serious. I really don't want to die. E needs me.

Well.. I'm taking control of this. I'm going to lose weight.. and I'm going to do it on my terms. I'm going to flop around until I can do a proper exercise. I'm going to eat cleaner and I'm going to cheat when I want to... but I WILL DO THIS.

I have to.
For E.
For me.

Feeling Insignificant

I've been pretty bleh lately.

I blame it on this thing or that thing.. but I think I should just start blaming myself. I make these messes-- then I gasp for life when I can't (or won't) get out of them. I feel so insignificant lately. E (that's how we'll refer to the child) is gaining his independence and he's "needing" me less. I know that he needs me, and actually needs me more than most kids his age-- but because of his head of steel he refuses to even be a child. He's in such a hurry to grow up. He won't let me call him the name we've called him since birth, he doesn't want to use his booster seat (In our state he has to until next year), he won't sit on my lap... I knew all of this was coming, but I think mixed with everything else it came with my pants completely down.

Then you've got D (the boyfriend of 5 years). We fight constantly. If you ask him it's all my fault, and while a lot of it is... it's taking a toll on me. I already feel crap about myself because I can't find work-- but you add in his accusing hand and it's just a lot to take in. I like to think I'm made of steel. I've been in an emotionally abusive marriage, I've been through one of the ugliest divorces you can go through-- I've been cheated on and I've cheated.. so you think I'd come out victorious. I feel it catching up to me. D & I were friends before everything else. We both met when the other was unavailable. He was engaged and I was married for what it was worth. We got together after the fact and triumphed over a 2 year long distance relationship (and we're talking coast to coast) only to come together and have emotional disaster. It's never been easy. He moved here and had more love for a video game than he did me. I had a lot of tolerance because I too have been there, probably worse than he was. I brought my mom around more because I was lonely.. he says he stayed on the computer because she was there, I say she was there because he stayed on the computer. That's every argument we have. Fast forward a few years and he no longer lives with me because he moved out. To his credit, he and my mom are like oil and water. She's got her own anger issues, but aside from that she watched him be unaffectionate to me for so long and now she's just built up a wall when it comes to him. Some of that is my fault because she was the only person I had to vent to. Yes, she knows more about our fights than she should. I did, however, stop doing that awhile back.

Now here we sit. We hardly see each other even though we're in the same town. He comes over here to do laundry and stays for a few minutes then he's gone. The phone calls are the same way. "Hey, how you doing.. I'm doing this okay bye". I've become desensitized to a lot of it. The fact that he never says I love you, and he's never held my hand and that he only kisses when he thinks it's going to lead somewhere.

I don't blame him for a lot of it. I'm fat and I'm sure I'm embarrassing. I "dress funny" (that is open for interpretation.. I don't go out in jeans and tshirts often.. but I'm a far cry from dressing the way I used to) and my hair is always a different color (though it's usually kept "normal" for ease of working,etc). I don't want to put the whole blame on him, but when I reflect on things we were both at fault and I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on me. Differences are what make us beautiful right? Okay.. so I'm messy.. to a complete fault. He's not. He doesn't agree with my parenting, and while I wanted us to be a family.. I feel like when it comes to E & his "special" needs.. I should get the final call if it's open for calling. I'm just at a point of not knowing what to do.

I want to be better, do better. I want to be a better Christian. I want to be a good role model for my child. I want to watch movies that aren't always rated R and I want to reclaim myself for marriage. Is it going in different directions or is it something we can save? Does he want to save it? We're different people, there's no doubt about that. He's high fructose corn syrup and I'm a carrot. I'm not saying that I'm squeaky clean, or that I want to be.. we're just opposite ends of the spectrum. Isn't that supposed to make these things beautiful?

He's given up.. and I'm trying to figure out if I should continue to fight for it. We broke up once, and after a month he started coming around and he was the man I always knew he could be.. and then we reverted right back "because I like to argue". Heck yeah I argue.. if I feel I should. That's MY fault. I know that, but I also can't let myself get run over either.

It's hard when you look at yourself too. Who really wants a big girl that isn't after one just because they have some creepy fetish about it. I don't want to be a big girl forever you know.

I need clarity.