I hurt.

I hurt people.
I hurt people I care about.
I hurt people who are down.
I hurt people who need me.
I hurt people who depend on me to bring them up.
I don't know why I hurt people, but I do. I yell, I scream, I cuss, I degrade them.
I do the exact opposite of what I feel for people in my heart.
In doing so, I hurt myself.

We had a sermon in church 3 weeks ago that has lingered in my spirit. It has convicted me, and it continues to haunt me every time I lose my cool. I guess that's the point of God speaking to you, but what makes things so bad for me is that I just get to a point of boiling over and exploding. I don't explode on strangers, or even casual friends. I explode on my son. I explode on my Boyfriend. I explode on my family. I sat down here to write a blog venting my extreme frustrations with money and my boyfriend and the fact that we can't get our stuff together enough to not fight about everything. I don't have enough money for my bills, I'm about to lose my car and everything else that I have. I had a few sentences written out until I decided that I wasn't going to be that person. I'm not that girl. I'm worse than her. I'm actually mean. Maybe I'd fair better if I came online and vented every time I got frustrated. Perhaps that would keep me from losing it on those I care about... but I just get SO. IRRITATED. I go ballistic. I can't help it and I give into the desire to just release the vile hate desperately seeking to escape my pores. I hate when people don't respect me. I hate when I feel used... and I boil all of that over until I explode like a volcano. When I erased the little bit of the previous blog, I felt a sudden urge to revisit my notes from church. I flipped around my book (a fairly new one, so there's only a few sermon notes in it) and I came across the notes from that service I spoke about. I looked at what I had scribbled and it honestly astonished me. Now, let me point out that I'm a terrible Christian. I'm horribly broken (all REAL Christians are) and I fail to give God the glory and faith he deserves. I'm often ashamed to admit my faith for a fear of being persecuted in our now heavily divided America and I just plain SUCK at it--- but he never fails me. EVER. Below is what I saw [taken from a cell phone, so bare with me].  A few verses have stood out to me in this lesson [about turning the other cheek] that I want to share with whatever this is that I'm sharing with.

The first thing you probably notice (aside from the fact that I take notes organized about as well as a presechool playroom)  is the giant thing that I apparently felt needed to be decorated as well. "WORDS WILL RUIN YOU". How true is that, right? I went on to say that we shouldn't give into our desire to bite back with words; that we should be better than that. Whoa, well... I need that. The twist is that I wrote that myself, but I didn't actually pay attention or listen to my own advice until 3 weeks later. I want to be that person on the paper. I want to live that. Romans 12:19 says that we are not to take revenge, but to leave room for God's wrath. To me, this is hard. I'm a very forgiving person, very. I'm a doormat. I let people rule me and run over me, despite my attempts at being strong and standing on my own feet. This is something that I'm struggling with. Everything I wrote that day are what I would say are my biggest weaknesses  Reflect the Father. Don't take revenge. Only God can help you overcome the cultural norm. Lower your expectations of others and raise the expectations of yourself. 

I realize this wasn't well thought out, and it's absolutely not written well-- but I needed to get something out, and this is what came out. I need to discover myself. I need to be a better person, despite what the world (and spiritual warfare) throw at me. I need to rise above like a phoenix from the ashes of what has become of my life.

Afterall, we can't put things together until they are completely broke. 

That day

Do you ever have one of those days? You know.. those days that nobody has to actually say anything to specify what day you're having, yet know what you mean? It's the day that nothing in particular has occurred to make you have one of those days; you just do. You just feel a way, you think a way, and you somehow fail at productivity at being anything but that way. You aren't down, but you certainly aren't up. You aren't yet inspired, but you so desperately want to be.

It's the day when music takes you away. When silence is too much for you to handle. Your head hurts just enough to remind you that you do have a mind to think with, and your cravings remind you to eat.

If life didn't happen around you, you could go the entire day without human interaction. If kids didn't need food, work didn't need work and family didn't worry about your mental well being, you could find a nice little lean-to in the woods and just waste away.

It's the day when you're everywhere but where you are, but not exactly with your own aspirations-- just your thoughts of bland emotion. Your happy thoughts aren't really anywhere to be found, but you aren't wallowing in self sorrow either.

Sadly, for an artist.. it's the day you get things done. It's the day you create, the day you lose yourself in whatever it is that inspires you to be anything but whatever it is that you are being right now. It's the day you dream, and the day that you re-route your feelings of dull nothingness into something larger than you.

I say sadly, because when you're stuck at work with a million things on your desk to do, you can't.

You just end up existing. Taking up space. Wasting away.

I just want to go get lost.

10 Year High School Reunion-- 5 Lessons I learned.

I came. I saw. I left alive and with dignity.

So last night was the ever dreaded 10 year reunion. I wish that said event wasn't as dreaded as it was, but for some reason there was a cloud of doom over the whole occasion. I don't know if that stems from me not receiving an invite until it was almost too late, or if it was my not being where I should be in 10 years post high school (where is that, anyway?).

Either way, I learned some things.

Lesson #1 My life isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Sure, I've gone through hell and back in 10 years. I went through pain and a smack of reality long before I should have. I've got a child who has somewhat special needs, and I'm not rich and successful. I don't have a college education--- but I AM BLESSED. I've got a mom who will help me with everything she can, I've got memories to last me my entire life, I've got lessons that I learned the hard way. I've got religion, that while it feels under attack lately, keeps me waking up every day. Most importantly, I am my own person, not to impress anyone else. I am true to ME.

Here's an observation about the above statement that I made. MOST of the people in attendance last night (only 1/3 of the class really) were people, who for the most part, haven't had major life events happen-------------YET. Sure, some of them have struggled hard... we've all had our heartbreaks, our setbacks... but generally speaking, the ones who showed up were still pretty good in their life. Married, engaged, pregnant, happily single. They all danced the night away, showed up with beer in the back of the car (because.. apparently some of us never grow out of the BYOB stage of life). They are happy. Things will happen, and how is to say that by the next reunion they are in the spot that I am in now, and I am in the spot they are in.

I am sure I didn't come off like I meant to there-- but basically what I'm saying is that we all have a season and I haven't reached mine yet. 

Lesson #2 The people you consider your friends, aren't. There are a couple of people that I have maintained contact with, mostly due to facebook. This contact goes further than liking a status here or there though. Until a few months ago when they got busy in life, we would take an annual trip around our birthdays. This was legit. Well.. I showed up last night and they were in the car beside me. I get out and excitedly smile and say hello. Then, it happened. Life smacked me in the face. They looked at me, wait no, looked THROUGH me-- and walked away. My heart broke a little bit. The newly minted ghetto me wanted to snap my hands behind my back and be like OOH HEEELLL NAW... YOU KNOW YOU RATCHET. I didn't. I turned around, got in my car and put the key in the ignition. I was going to go home. I was talking to my friend Kim on the phone about it and she was like no, just go inside. I decided that I wouldn't let that get the best of me, afterall... we're friends. I shouldn't be so touchy. I should go in, put my anxiety aside and just have fun. It wasn't like I was a loser in high school... I just sorta floated. Needless to say, I spoke nothing but hellos to anyone the rest of the night. They continued to ignore me. A friend I haven't seen since the 5 year was there, and she was good conversation until she got too drunk to speak logical sentences. It was then that I turned to the lost husband table and struck up conversations. It made me feel normal for a moment. I wasn't drinking, I had water. They reassured me that it's okay to be "over it" because they are as well. This brings me to the next lesson.

Lesson #3 You grow up. I feel like a kid. I don't feel grown up at all... but last night, I felt grown up. I CHOSE to not drink. I didn't cave to some ridiculous peer pressure, I didn't need liquid courage to dance and have fun. I chose to not do those things because it was not an environment I wanted to do those things. I drove myself, like everyone else, and I CHOSE to not drink and drive because that is the smart, logical, responsible thing to do. Somewhere in the mix of people talking about the desire to hit up the club, all I could think of were homeschool curriculum that I need to get together for this week, laundry I needed to do.. and above all that, the REAL friends waiting for me online (yes, online.. real friends) that I could comfortably talk to in my pajamas. My child was at home, my stuff is at home... I just wanted to be home. I am not sure when all of this happened, but I realized last night that it has occured. Oooh don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude. I'll go out and have a good, relaxed time... but with people who I want to be around. People who know me for who I am now, not whatever I may have been growing up (because I went to school with this people from pre-k all the way to 12th)

Lesson #4 It is true. The hot ones become the unfortunate looking ones, and the unfortunate ones become to drop dead slap your momma hot ones.

...and while I learned more than 5 lessons last night, I'll leave you with the last one.

Lesson #5 People are in your life for a season. We have lost 5 of our classmates, all who have left an impact on some part of my life in one way or another. I lost friends last night due to whatever it is that made them think it's okay to just reject someone who has been there for them, HOWEVER... my friendships and bonds I made in high school allowed me to survive high school. It wasn't a horrible experience for me, but it was just that; an experience. People change, we all change. 

Here's to hoping that by the time the 20 year comes around, people have grown more, had great things happen to them.... and that nobody feels the need to impress people, who by all accounts, knew them when they were at their worst. (I mean.. did you not go to middle school?!)   

Frustration.

How do you help the unhelpable?
How do you touch the untouchable?
How can you speak the unspeakable?
How can you live the unliveable?
How do you reach the unreachable?
How do you save the unsaveable?
How can you stop the unstoppable?
How do you win the unwinnable?
How do you praise the unpraiseable?

What do you do when the walls come up? How do you break them down?
What do you do when you feel like your feet can't touch the ground?

You can't save the ones you love, you can't stand your ground. It's so conflicting.. and smothering.

It's okay to be broken

I've been a little off today, and I couldn't quite pin point why. Nothing in particular happened aside from my usual stress. I went to work, I came home. Rinse, wash & repeat. It came to a head tonight when I just got really restless. I was trying to figure out what I should do because the internet was not entertaining me and I wasn't quite ready for sleep. I looked over near my bed and I saw my Bible. I've been having a religious reflection day all day today. My life is sort of in fall apart mode, and I'm attempting to push through it on faith-- but then I evaluate myself and realize that I'm so broken, so bad, so horrible.. how could anyone love me; much less God? How could he be proud of me?

In that moment, I picked up my Bible. It lives in a purple cover that only unzips when I am at Church, and I felt shamed. No wonder my life is so incomplete... I'm living it incompletely. You can't complete half of a job and expect it to finish itself... this is my story to write.

I want to do something that I am hesitant to do on here. It's never fun to look at yourself. It's never fun to evaluate yourself. That's why we talk about others. It's easier to mock and talk about what we don't know, instead of just looking in the mirror and taking it all in.

Right there in my Church notes notebook.. I made a list. I made a list of everything wrong. I can't work to overcome something that I'm unwilling to face. This is me facing it.

• I am a liar. 
• I am selfish.
• I have a dirty mouth.
• I have a dirty mind, and I allow myself to make others laugh through my foul language and topic choices. That doesn't reflect on me well at all.
• I question my faith.
• I am a horrible role model.
• I don't follow through on anything that I do.
• I hurt my son with words. *ouch... who wants to admit that one.. we're all guilty, but it's not easy to own up to*
• I talk about others, to others.
• I AM JEALOUS
• I do not own up to my mistakes.
• My pride is always in the way.
• I sometimes hide my faith.
• I am not sure where I stand on many issues that "Christians" are supposed to have clarity on.
• I support gay marriage, and lean towards the support of separation of Church and State. That makes me feel bad because it's not Biblical. I struggle daily with this.
• I feel guilty for the above thought process.
• I WANT to love God.
• I take everything in my life for granted.
• I use people.
• I doubt God.
• I am scared to stand up as a Christian, for fear of what will be said based on stereotypes.
• I am terrified of the world ending.
• I want what I want and don't take into consideration what God wants for me.

Now.. obviously, this list isn't as long as it could be by any means. After I made the list, I was lead to read a few passages in the Bible at random.. and as I should have known... they were exactly what I needed to hear.

Psalm 37

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong. For like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this. He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. Do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 

Man.... it's wild how sometimes you read one thing and your whole attitude changes.

If you are reading this as a non-believer, or as someone who doesn't identify with Christians because they claim perfection... this is me screaming the opposite. I am so far from perfect. I let God down on a daily basis... but he STILL never fails me

I am broke. I don't know where my next meal will come from-- but he hasn't left my side. He will come through for me, as he always has. These seasons are for a purpose, and even though it seems dark and lonely... he's got a lamp for me at the end of the tunnel.

When your knees are the only place you have left

I try as I may, I try as I might;
regardless of trying I stay out of sight.

It doesn't matter what I do, or how I do it--- things never go my way.
I guess that's natural though, it's not supposed to go my way, it is supposed to go God's way right?

I just wish I had more direction. I pray for direction, but I must not be praying the right way because all I feel like I'm doing is running around chasing my own tail.

I've hit a roadblock with the job search. I have actually run out of places to apply. Does that happen? I didn't think it could, but as far as hiring locations... I'm out.

I have an interview on the internet Wednesday with a legitimate work from home company. Those are pretty hard to come by, but I'm also realistic. I know that even if I were to be accepted I would have to hook up a phone to my house, and then in the near future find funding for a new computer. I'm praying about it.

I need something. Horribly. I can't afford my son's medicine and my car hasn't been paid in 3 months. My ex hasn't paid me child support in that long and I use the support to pay those two major things. YES child support is for the child, but I use every dime that I make at my little part time job and anything on the side for my son. It goes to the same pool, so don't sit there and judge me.

It seems like something is in the works because I sure haven't received anything outside of the home by way of work. I've had two etsy orders this week, and I've only have 3 the entire few years I've had my store open. That was exciting and I'm grateful, but at the same time... it's nothing to count on. Christmas is right around the corner and as of right now if things don't change my child will not have one.

I know it seems early to stress over such things, but I usually buy starting in August or so and that is WITH employment.

Ugh... then there's the whole issue of my trying to do more things on the internet. I don't mean work... just things in general. I'm trying to branch out socially and make my own little internet world. I'm trying to reconnect with lost friends, forge new ones and get to know people that I otherwise would not. There's always a hiccup though. People say one thing and do another, they flake out and they let you down. It's no different from "real life". They are the same unreliable people over the internet as they face to face with you. It's no different from my attempts to plan events (like the ren faire disaster that I haven't spoken of yet!) for the folks I know here. It's pointless. I think I am meant to sit here in this house, in this same seat and stare at the pictures on the wall. My only conversations are those where I'm answering my child's constant questions (curiosity is good.. an inability to answer some questions on your own-- not so much). I think I'm destined to be lonely. Maybe it's because that lonely, emptiness is where I seek Him the most-- perhaps it's from that loneliness that I do things like this blog. I don't know what it is, but it feels like for now this is what I'm meant to do. I'm supposed to border on depressed because when I'm on my knees I have nowhere to go but up.

Such a trivial thing for so many emotions...

So I've recently found out that our lovely class of 2002 will be holding a 10 year reunion.

Let me first say that while we were at the very beginning of the internet generation (MOST of us didn't have personal computers until late high school or college (if you're me) so even though we haven't been raised on facebook; we definitely know our way around it and use it on a daily basis.

With that said, I honestly sort of assumed that we'd skip the whole reunion thing. We half-assed our 5 year and didn't do it until it was technically a 6 year so I figured the same would go for 10. Add in the fact that everyone is on facebook and I didn't see a huge need for one.

I don't have a ton of facebook friends that I went to high school with, or at least graduated with. I have quite a few, but I'm not the one who has gone around manically adding everyone I have ever known in my entire life. If they add me, I'll add them. I don't do the whole facebook first wave though. Seeing as though I don't have a ton of them on my facebook, it's probably no surprise that I didn't find out when everyone else did--- but it is for me. I have quite a few people who I've kept in semi constant contact with on there and they knew about it. I guess they just didn't check to see if I was invited right? Probably. My self esteem tells me it's that I wasn't a priority. Silly self image; always making me look bad.

Anyway. I found out from the most random person on the planet and from there asked one of my "friends" about it who immediately invited me into the exclusive, private event (insert sarcasm). I was getting ready to hit my join button when I saw the message about sending a check.

If you ever want to get a broke girl's attention faster than you can say Here's some money... it's insert any word that pertains to money; primarily to paying out money. So I read through it and it has some mumbo jumbo about sending a check made out for $20 per person (so that means your lovely date that you pay to go with you so you look good also has to pay $20). WHOA NELLY. I'm broke dog, that's not cool. Okay... I understand that it costs money to hold one of these things, but here's the thing.

This is a casual event (one is left to assume so anyway.. seeing as though this is the south and we never do anything fancy.. hell, we get married in flip flops)and I know that our class account should have SOME money in it because we took donations at our drinkfest ala 6 year reunion. That's not it though.

What in the WORLD could I possibly eat that would cost me $20. I feed my family of (sometimes up to) 6 on $20.

Either way... I have a week to come up with $20 ($40 if I find me a model friend to pay to go with me) and at this very moment I don't even know where my son's medicine funding will come from.

Aside from the money issue, there's the issue of going alone as the loser I am. What do I tell them I do? I've had some really great jobs and if this had been a year ago I would have had no problem proudly boasting that I worked my way from a seasonal employee to store manager in a year. I would have told them about my staff retention rates and how much I loved playing with jewelry and telling people what to do all the time.

What do I tell them now? Oh.. I quit my job last year to home school my son who has ADHD, Asperger's OCD and borderlines on Bi-Polar...tell them that I live with my mom and brother just like I did 10 years ago and that we sometimes don't have enough money to eat with? Maybe I should tell them that I have one of those kids that you can't really take anywhere because people stare and place judgments just because he's not like everyone else. Tell them that I've lost one car and I'm about to lose another one because my ex husband hasn't paid me child support in 3 months because he's having a baby with his new wife and my son isn't his priority? Or.. wait! Maybe I should tell them that I'm 200 pounds overweight because I eat my emotions! I've got it... I'll tell them that I own my own business doing handcrafted goods, photography and design and that I'd love to give them a business card but I simply can't afford them.

Alas-- I hate that I even care what people think, but I do. I looked through the confirmed list and every person on that list (give or take one.. and I'm pretty sure she has her doctorate degree and has a snazzy life, so even if she's miserable.. she's rich) has someone that they will be taking with them. I don't. My guy doesn't do events. He doesn't do a whole lot of things.

I realize that my hostility towards an innocent little class reunion really is misguided and should be placed in front of a mirror so that it can attack back at me--but it's much harder to point a finger at yourself.

...In reflection, how I want to be seen and how I will be seen are completely different. I'd have no problem going there unemployed if I were a halfway decent person. If I could say that on a daily basis I change lives and I make a difference, or that I'm financially sound because I'm webfamous or something... but that's not the case. I'm still just a lost little girl.. It's just that this time, 10 years later, I'm a lost little girl with scars and broken down baggage.

I'm not going to fill myself up with lies either. They have facebook and even though we have a south Georgia education, most of them can read. They can see for themselves what I've been up to over the past 10 years... at least the parts that I wanted them to see.

In the past 10 years I have been picked up and thrown down. I've been married, almost divorced, in relationships, divorced, gainfully employed, not so gainfully employed, unemployed. I've lived on my own, I have lived with a man, I have lived with my mom. I've lived in Florida, Texas, and Georgia. I took my first plane ride and my first cross country road trip. I've had a baby. I've watched that baby go to school. I've seen things, heard things and said things that I can never take back or unhear. I've loved the Lord and loathed the Lord.. I've scraped my knee and I've had my heart shattered into a million pieces. I've cried myself to sleep.

I've done it all in private though. Nobody needs to know what I've been through unless they care enough to ask me. I don't keep it a secret, if I did I wouldn't be screaming it on a page that can be accessed from any home computer or cell phone. If folks cared enough about what I've been up to for the past 10 years they would have asked. They would have kept up with it. That's just it though. I know that I will go to this thing (if I go) and the same groups will rally together. They will pretend like time hasn't passed. They will judge and be judged. 10 years isn't that long when you put people together who knew each other then... but I dare you to compare stories. We've all walked a lifetime's journey.. some of us more painful than others. We've lost some amazing classmates and we've all had our share of pain, rejection and self loathing.

I don't know yet what I'll do. I would like to go, even if I'm the only person there going solo. I want to go and hold my head high and know that I can stand in the raging waters of my own making. I have made the decisions thus far in my life and if I can't grow up and own them then somewhere along the line I made a decision in jest.

I won't go hungry just to go to this thing, so if I come up with the money before next week I will turn in my check and do the thing. I'll come up with some sort of killer outfit out of my closet and I'll post an OOTN and we'll pretend like I don't have all these feelings over something so trivial. I'll eat my $20 worth of food, I'll take pictures and I'll put on a good show.

Then I'll come home and write about it.