The world sure loves to work against you doesn't it? If it's not one thing it's another. If it's not raining, it's pouring (the old man is snoring).
Either way, I've become pretty accustomed to life taking a big ole poop on me. I know it's just my trials and a test of my endurance, but it sure is exhausting. My credit hates these tests. My anxiety hates these tests. Everything hates them. I understand they are necessary and they only mean that my next life will be that much more rewarding-- but sometimes I wonder what it's like to just sit back and enjoy life.
What does free of care feel like? I wonder if I'll ever feel it, if even for a moment.
My child is stressed and it stresses me. I fear that he's going to struggle with depression as he gets older. The doctors have warned me that it could happen and even now he shows the signs. He got really upset last night out of nowhere (for him it came from somewhere, I assume his own thoughts) and said that he just wished he could be dead. That really hit me hard. I know that he's 7 going on 30 and he's bound to say things like that, but I don't ever want him to feel that kind of hurt. I feel that kind of hurt so he doesn't have to right? It's the Christ concept. HE died for my sins so I don't have to-- therefore mommy should be able to sacrifice so that son doesn't hurt... but I'll be damned if he doesn't hurt anyway.
He gets upset that he's small, he gets upset that nobody likes him (he had one hard hitting year in kindergarten and even though he home schooled this year, he still feels the effects of bullying). He gets upset that his daddy never sees him and doesn't love him (his words.. I try to convince otherwise but it's hard when he isn't there for him). He gets upset that when he does go to see his father, his step sisters have more privileges than him and that they are older than him. It's hard to explain to a bull-headed Aspie that you can't change age and that it's okay to be younger. He wants to be grown and that's all he knows. His determination will be great later in life if I can get him to focus it on the good goals, but for now he just wants to figure out how to cheat the age system and do everything that mommy does.
I love this little underweight life to bits. I hate when he hurts. I hate when he "hates" me. I hate when he's sad. I hate when he's anything but overjoyed. I know I can't protect him forever but I just wonder if there's something I could have done different to reverse some of this.
You think it's hard when your baby cries or is uncomfortable and you don't know if you need to change a diaper or pop out a boob--- it's absolutely GUT-WRENCHING for your "baby" to say that he's a loser because nobody likes him...at 7.. when you still keep yourself in denial that he's too young to care.. and you know you do everything you can for him. It's the worst thing in the world to hear come out of a teary-eyed little angel face.
I really blame myself for the conditions he has to live with. It's hard enough that people frown on it, and say that it's a cop out. It's hard without the support of people who say "Hey.. you know what? I see that he's doing ___ because of ___ so let's just deal with it the best we can". Instead I just get folks who want to tell me how if I just did __ different he'd "behave".
I build him up constantly. Every little lego creation he builds and tells me about is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. He's the smartest, most creative (honestly it's the truth though!) guy I've ever seen. He's wonderful. He's everything.... unfortunately not everyone is willing or capable of doing the same. I know that I have no choice to, and all parents want to do is support their child. With me though? If I miss a great!.. or if I don't reply in a way he's used to-- he recognizing it and immediately blames himself. While I do it on occasion to remind him that not everyone will think the same as I do, it's something that he needs for growth.
I also wonder if I'll ever meet someone who can accept him for who he is. I worry about that in his adult life, but how about our life now? He interrupts without realizing, he's focused and will continue saying what he needs to say until it's out-- conversation be damned. He wants to show off his lego creations..... all 102 of them. He wants you to care and he wants to know that you hear him. He wants an okay when he tells you something. He wants to know what you're doing and why you're doing it. All he wants is the same respect you expect of him.
It's not that hard of a concept. You want your child to tell you where he's going and what he's doing. He wants the same. You want your child to listen when you speak and acknowledge that you spoke. He wants the same.
How can you really expect respect if you can't give it? Sure.. he needs more attention than a lot of kids his age. You have to watch him closer and be more aware of his thoughts and actions--- but he also plays by himself a lot; happily.
Man he's a good kid, and I don't really give a crap what society says about him. I will do what I have to do, kick who I have to kick and climb whatever mountains I have to climb to keep him happy and healthy.
These guys really should come with a manual.. alas-- I don't have anyone holding my hand and telling me what to do. My mom knows less about dealing with him than I do. I'm on my own here. It's me and my man against the entire world.
I'll take the challenge though... if we can just get through this rainstorm we're in. If I can get somewhere that we are both balanced and happy it's going to be dangerous because we're going to be unstoppable.
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