I hurt people.
I hurt people I care about.
I hurt people who are down.
I hurt people who need me.
I hurt people who depend on me to bring them up.
I don't know why I hurt people, but I do. I yell, I scream, I cuss, I degrade them.
I do the exact opposite of what I feel for people in my heart.
In doing so, I hurt myself.
We had a sermon in church 3 weeks ago that has lingered in my spirit. It has convicted me, and it continues to haunt me every time I lose my cool. I guess that's the point of God speaking to you, but what makes things so bad for me is that I just get to a point of boiling over and exploding. I don't explode on strangers, or even casual friends. I explode on my son. I explode on my Boyfriend. I explode on my family. I sat down here to write a blog venting my extreme frustrations with money and my boyfriend and the fact that we can't get our stuff together enough to not fight about everything. I don't have enough money for my bills, I'm about to lose my car and everything else that I have. I had a few sentences written out until I decided that I wasn't going to be that person. I'm not that girl. I'm worse than her. I'm actually mean. Maybe I'd fair better if I came online and vented every time I got frustrated. Perhaps that would keep me from losing it on those I care about... but I just get SO. IRRITATED. I go ballistic. I can't help it and I give into the desire to just release the vile hate desperately seeking to escape my pores. I hate when people don't respect me. I hate when I feel used... and I boil all of that over until I explode like a volcano. When I erased the little bit of the previous blog, I felt a sudden urge to revisit my notes from church. I flipped around my book (a fairly new one, so there's only a few sermon notes in it) and I came across the notes from that service I spoke about. I looked at what I had scribbled and it honestly astonished me. Now, let me point out that I'm a terrible Christian. I'm horribly broken (all REAL Christians are) and I fail to give God the glory and faith he deserves. I'm often ashamed to admit my faith for a fear of being persecuted in our now heavily divided America and I just plain SUCK at it--- but he never fails me. EVER. Below is what I saw [taken from a cell phone, so bare with me]. A few verses have stood out to me in this lesson [about turning the other cheek] that I want to share with whatever this is that I'm sharing with.
I realize this wasn't well thought out, and it's absolutely not written well-- but I needed to get something out, and this is what came out. I need to discover myself. I need to be a better person, despite what the world (and spiritual warfare) throw at me. I need to rise above like a phoenix from the ashes of what has become of my life.
Afterall, we can't put things together until they are completely broke.