Sunday, March 10, 2013

I hurt.

I hurt people.
I hurt people I care about.
I hurt people who are down.
I hurt people who need me.
I hurt people who depend on me to bring them up.
I don't know why I hurt people, but I do. I yell, I scream, I cuss, I degrade them.
I do the exact opposite of what I feel for people in my heart.
In doing so, I hurt myself.

We had a sermon in church 3 weeks ago that has lingered in my spirit. It has convicted me, and it continues to haunt me every time I lose my cool. I guess that's the point of God speaking to you, but what makes things so bad for me is that I just get to a point of boiling over and exploding. I don't explode on strangers, or even casual friends. I explode on my son. I explode on my Boyfriend. I explode on my family. I sat down here to write a blog venting my extreme frustrations with money and my boyfriend and the fact that we can't get our stuff together enough to not fight about everything. I don't have enough money for my bills, I'm about to lose my car and everything else that I have. I had a few sentences written out until I decided that I wasn't going to be that person. I'm not that girl. I'm worse than her. I'm actually mean. Maybe I'd fair better if I came online and vented every time I got frustrated. Perhaps that would keep me from losing it on those I care about... but I just get SO. IRRITATED. I go ballistic. I can't help it and I give into the desire to just release the vile hate desperately seeking to escape my pores. I hate when people don't respect me. I hate when I feel used... and I boil all of that over until I explode like a volcano. When I erased the little bit of the previous blog, I felt a sudden urge to revisit my notes from church. I flipped around my book (a fairly new one, so there's only a few sermon notes in it) and I came across the notes from that service I spoke about. I looked at what I had scribbled and it honestly astonished me. Now, let me point out that I'm a terrible Christian. I'm horribly broken (all REAL Christians are) and I fail to give God the glory and faith he deserves. I'm often ashamed to admit my faith for a fear of being persecuted in our now heavily divided America and I just plain SUCK at it--- but he never fails me. EVER. Below is what I saw [taken from a cell phone, so bare with me].  A few verses have stood out to me in this lesson [about turning the other cheek] that I want to share with whatever this is that I'm sharing with.

The first thing you probably notice (aside from the fact that I take notes organized about as well as a presechool playroom)  is the giant thing that I apparently felt needed to be decorated as well. "WORDS WILL RUIN YOU". How true is that, right? I went on to say that we shouldn't give into our desire to bite back with words; that we should be better than that. Whoa, well... I need that. The twist is that I wrote that myself, but I didn't actually pay attention or listen to my own advice until 3 weeks later. I want to be that person on the paper. I want to live that. Romans 12:19 says that we are not to take revenge, but to leave room for God's wrath. To me, this is hard. I'm a very forgiving person, very. I'm a doormat. I let people rule me and run over me, despite my attempts at being strong and standing on my own feet. This is something that I'm struggling with. Everything I wrote that day are what I would say are my biggest weaknesses  Reflect the Father. Don't take revenge. Only God can help you overcome the cultural norm. Lower your expectations of others and raise the expectations of yourself. 

I realize this wasn't well thought out, and it's absolutely not written well-- but I needed to get something out, and this is what came out. I need to discover myself. I need to be a better person, despite what the world (and spiritual warfare) throw at me. I need to rise above like a phoenix from the ashes of what has become of my life.

Afterall, we can't put things together until they are completely broke.