In that moment, I picked up my Bible. It lives in a purple cover that only unzips when I am at Church, and I felt shamed. No wonder my life is so incomplete... I'm living it incompletely. You can't complete half of a job and expect it to finish itself... this is my story to write.
I want to do something that I am hesitant to do on here. It's never fun to look at yourself. It's never fun to evaluate yourself. That's why we talk about others. It's easier to mock and talk about what we don't know, instead of just looking in the mirror and taking it all in.
Right there in my Church notes notebook.. I made a list. I made a list of everything wrong. I can't work to overcome something that I'm unwilling to face. This is me facing it.
- I am a liar.
- I am selfish.
- I have a dirty mouth.
- I have a dirty mind, and I allow myself to make others laugh through my foul language and topic choices. That doesn't reflect on me well at all.
- I question my faith.
- I am a horrible role model.
- I don't follow through on anything that I do.
- I hurt my son with words. *ouch... who wants to admit that one.. we're all guilty, but it's not easy to own up to*
- I talk about others, to others.
- I AM JEALOUS
- I do not own up to my mistakes.
- My pride is always in the way.
- I sometimes hide my faith.
- I am not sure where I stand on many issues that "Christians" are supposed to have clarity on.
- I support gay marriage, and lean towards the support of separation of Church and State. That makes me feel bad because it's not Biblical. I struggle daily with this.
- I feel guilty for the above thought process.
- I WANT to love God.
- I take everything in my life for granted.
- I use people.
- I doubt God.
- I am scared to stand up as a Christian, for fear of what will be said based on stereotypes.
- I am terrified of the world ending.
- I want what I want and don't take into consideration what God wants for me.
Now.. obviously, this list isn't as long as it could be by any means. After I made the list, I was lead to read a few passages in the Bible at random.. and as I should have known... they were exactly what I needed to hear.
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong. For like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this. He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. Do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Man.... it's wild how sometimes you read one thing and your whole attitude changes.
If you are reading this as a non-believer, or as someone who doesn't identify with Christians because they claim perfection... this is me screaming the opposite. I am so far from perfect. I let God down on a daily basis... but he STILL never fails me
I am broke. I don't know where my next meal will come from-- but he hasn't left my side. He will come through for me, as he always has. These seasons are for a purpose, and even though it seems dark and lonely... he's got a lamp for me at the end of the tunnel.