Monday, June 25, 2012

When your knees are the only place you have left

I try as I may, I try as I might;
regardless of trying I stay out of sight.

It doesn't matter what I do, or how I do it--- things never go my way.
I guess that's natural though, it's not supposed to go my way, it is supposed to go God's way right?

I just wish I had more direction. I pray for direction, but I must not be praying the right way because all I feel like I'm doing is running around chasing my own tail.

I've hit a roadblock with the job search. I have actually run out of places to apply. Does that happen? I didn't think it could, but as far as hiring locations... I'm out.

I have an interview on the internet Wednesday with a legitimate work from home company. Those are pretty hard to come by, but I'm also realistic. I know that even if I were to be accepted I would have to hook up a phone to my house, and then in the near future find funding for a new computer. I'm praying about it.

I need something. Horribly. I can't afford my son's medicine and my car hasn't been paid in 3 months. My ex hasn't paid me child support in that long and I use the support to pay those two major things. YES child support is for the child, but I use every dime that I make at my little part time job and anything on the side for my son. It goes to the same pool, so don't sit there and judge me.

It seems like something is in the works because I sure haven't received anything outside of the home by way of work. I've had two etsy orders this week, and I've only have 3 the entire few years I've had my store open. That was exciting and I'm grateful, but at the same time... it's nothing to count on. Christmas is right around the corner and as of right now if things don't change my child will not have one.

I know it seems early to stress over such things, but I usually buy starting in August or so and that is WITH employment.

Ugh... then there's the whole issue of my trying to do more things on the internet. I don't mean work... just things in general. I'm trying to branch out socially and make my own little internet world. I'm trying to reconnect with lost friends, forge new ones and get to know people that I otherwise would not. There's always a hiccup though. People say one thing and do another, they flake out and they let you down. It's no different from "real life". They are the same unreliable people over the internet as they face to face with you. It's no different from my attempts to plan events (like the ren faire disaster that I haven't spoken of yet!) for the folks I know here. It's pointless. I think I am meant to sit here in this house, in this same seat and stare at the pictures on the wall. My only conversations are those where I'm answering my child's constant questions (curiosity is good.. an inability to answer some questions on your own-- not so much). I think I'm destined to be lonely. Maybe it's because that lonely, emptiness is where I seek Him the most-- perhaps it's from that loneliness that I do things like this blog. I don't know what it is, but it feels like for now this is what I'm meant to do. I'm supposed to border on depressed because when I'm on my knees I have nowhere to go but up.

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