Saturday, June 9, 2012

Feeling Insignificant

I've been pretty bleh lately.

I blame it on this thing or that thing.. but I think I should just start blaming myself. I make these messes-- then I gasp for life when I can't (or won't) get out of them. I feel so insignificant lately. E (that's how we'll refer to the child) is gaining his independence and he's "needing" me less. I know that he needs me, and actually needs me more than most kids his age-- but because of his head of steel he refuses to even be a child. He's in such a hurry to grow up. He won't let me call him the name we've called him since birth, he doesn't want to use his booster seat (In our state he has to until next year), he won't sit on my lap... I knew all of this was coming, but I think mixed with everything else it came with my pants completely down.

Then you've got D (the boyfriend of 5 years). We fight constantly. If you ask him it's all my fault, and while a lot of it is... it's taking a toll on me. I already feel crap about myself because I can't find work-- but you add in his accusing hand and it's just a lot to take in. I like to think I'm made of steel. I've been in an emotionally abusive marriage, I've been through one of the ugliest divorces you can go through-- I've been cheated on and I've cheated.. so you think I'd come out victorious. I feel it catching up to me. D & I were friends before everything else. We both met when the other was unavailable. He was engaged and I was married for what it was worth. We got together after the fact and triumphed over a 2 year long distance relationship (and we're talking coast to coast) only to come together and have emotional disaster. It's never been easy. He moved here and had more love for a video game than he did me. I had a lot of tolerance because I too have been there, probably worse than he was. I brought my mom around more because I was lonely.. he says he stayed on the computer because she was there, I say she was there because he stayed on the computer. That's every argument we have. Fast forward a few years and he no longer lives with me because he moved out. To his credit, he and my mom are like oil and water. She's got her own anger issues, but aside from that she watched him be unaffectionate to me for so long and now she's just built up a wall when it comes to him. Some of that is my fault because she was the only person I had to vent to. Yes, she knows more about our fights than she should. I did, however, stop doing that awhile back.

Now here we sit. We hardly see each other even though we're in the same town. He comes over here to do laundry and stays for a few minutes then he's gone. The phone calls are the same way. "Hey, how you doing.. I'm doing this okay bye". I've become desensitized to a lot of it. The fact that he never says I love you, and he's never held my hand and that he only kisses when he thinks it's going to lead somewhere.

I don't blame him for a lot of it. I'm fat and I'm sure I'm embarrassing. I "dress funny" (that is open for interpretation.. I don't go out in jeans and tshirts often.. but I'm a far cry from dressing the way I used to) and my hair is always a different color (though it's usually kept "normal" for ease of working,etc). I don't want to put the whole blame on him, but when I reflect on things we were both at fault and I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on me. Differences are what make us beautiful right? Okay.. so I'm messy.. to a complete fault. He's not. He doesn't agree with my parenting, and while I wanted us to be a family.. I feel like when it comes to E & his "special" needs.. I should get the final call if it's open for calling. I'm just at a point of not knowing what to do.

I want to be better, do better. I want to be a better Christian. I want to be a good role model for my child. I want to watch movies that aren't always rated R and I want to reclaim myself for marriage. Is it going in different directions or is it something we can save? Does he want to save it? We're different people, there's no doubt about that. He's high fructose corn syrup and I'm a carrot. I'm not saying that I'm squeaky clean, or that I want to be.. we're just opposite ends of the spectrum. Isn't that supposed to make these things beautiful?

He's given up.. and I'm trying to figure out if I should continue to fight for it. We broke up once, and after a month he started coming around and he was the man I always knew he could be.. and then we reverted right back "because I like to argue". Heck yeah I argue.. if I feel I should. That's MY fault. I know that, but I also can't let myself get run over either.

It's hard when you look at yourself too. Who really wants a big girl that isn't after one just because they have some creepy fetish about it. I don't want to be a big girl forever you know.

I need clarity.

No comments:

Post a Comment